‘Worth’ a Read

If your daily mood depends on “fire” reactions to your Instagram story, invitations to oodles of outings or shout-outs from colleagues at a staff meeting, it’s time to look inward and stop the chase for external validation. 

Drawing from memory reconsolidation theory, Franco guides readers to revisit memories of rejection and picture themselves intervening as an adult. “You’re going to be safe, you’re going to be cared for, and the way they’re reacting has nothing to do with you,” she says. “Really visualize with all five senses.” (For Franco, for example, it was a persistent memory of being the last kid picked up at soccer practice, feeling abandoned by her mom.) Research shows that people not only report higher self-esteem after this exercise, she says, but neuroimaging also shows real changes in the hippocampus. 

“Memories are complicated. Sometimes you have implicit memories, which affect us but we don’t actually remember. Those manifest as triggers, a strong reaction to something happening right now,” she says. “That's basically our brain superimposing a past experience onto now, so our boss's constructive feedback feels like the parent who yelled at us and demeans us all the time.” The feeling might be a clenching in the chest, a lump in the throat or a tightness in the jaw. By focusing on that sensation while doing something mundane, like counting off by fours or even playing Tetris, you can reprogram the body to let it go, says Franco. 

Gazelles shake violently after escaping from a lion’s maw, freeing them of excess energy in the moment and allowing them to return to their lives. That’s the same approach trauma researcher Peter Levine recommends people try for their own displaced adrenaline. “We have these fight, flight or freeze responses,” said Franco. “If you freeze, your body continues to replay that energy.” Try somatic exercises, which are slow, mindful movements such as those in yoga or tai chi, to track tension and release it.